realization.

Okay, so my last poem may have been taken as a little bit harsh, especially coming from me. That's not how I meant it. I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad or stir up drama. I had feelings for someone, he pretended to have feelings for me, I got hurt--which caused more feelings, only different. You know what happens when I have emotions? I write about them. It just helps me to let everything go and get past stuff. I'm not bitter. I don't hate him. I just needed to get it off my chest, and i'm good now. Besides, I don't even associate with him anymore so it's not a big deal. =)

Alright, now that I got that out of the way...

You know the movies that make you think about things that you don't normally think about? The ones that make you realize that you are NOT, in fact, better than someone else just because you are different than them? The ones that make you appreciate what you have? I love those movies. So the other night I was in the middle of watching a movie, which I don't remember the title to, and this is the aboutness of what I said to myself: (yes, I just said aboutness, and i'm copyrighting it.)

'Yo Stef, you're not all that. You're not cooler than any of your friends or anybody at all for that matter. You should probably definitely be more appreciative of the fact that you actually have friends. And so sometimes you fight with your mom. BIG WHOOP! At least you have a mom. Some kids aren't blessed enough to have parents. They have to raise themselves, and sometimes siblings. You are spoiled. You have more than you could possibly ask for, but you always keep asking. Get it together, girl. I know you have a big heart...show it. Change the world.'

I wasn't telling myself this to be a self-bully or anything. It's just something that I needed to hear. Sometimes we forget about everything that we are blessed with until we are reminded of what we have. For me, at times it just takes a movie to remind me. For someone who reads this, maybe it'll just take a few words from a blog. Regardless, we all need to be a little, scratch that, a LOT less judgemental and a lot more appreciative.

God give us good things every single day.


tonsoflove<3

PSTS

Sometimes I feel like I need to give an introduction to my poems. Other times I don't. I probably don't need to introduce this one...but you better believe i'm going to.

You know when guys lead you on and then as soon as you fall for them because they seem like prince charming they're just...gone? Story of my life. Seriously, it happens to me all the time. I can't figure out why. So before I get into the poem, this is my advice to all boys:

If you don't like me: don't go out of your way to pretend that you do.
If you're still in love with your ex-girlfriend: don't tell me that you want nothing to do with her.
Don't tell me that i'm the perfect girl to date, but then say that your "not dating anyone" so that you can focus on getting your life back on the right track. (and then start dating your ex that you "can't stand" and "want nothing to do with")
Never lie about trying to get your life together if you're not actually trying.
Don't be perfect and then just walk away.
Mostly, don't trip me if you don't want to catch me..


PSTS
Short brown hair and those piercing eyes,
Baby, you've got everybody mesmorized.
With your boyish charm and that great big smile,
You even had me fooled for a little while.
I fell so hard and way too fast.
You made me believe we were something that would last.
You held my hand and whispered in my ear,
Told me everything that I wanted to hear.
At first, you acted it out so well.
If you weren't prince charming, I couldn't tell.
Then out of the blue you stopped playing that part,
You weren't there to catch me and it broke my heart.
Now I know you're a player and as much as it hurts,
I'll just add you to my list of lessons learned.

ps Sometimes I miss the boy you pretended to be.





I'm pretty sure he will never read this. I'm pretty sure nobody will ever read this. But, I feel better knowing that there's a fraction of a chance that he'll finally know what went through my head.

Ice Cream

I love ice cream. You know why I like ice cream so much? Because it always likes me back. Ice cream is always there: in your freezer, at the store, at a restaurant, it's there. It's as close as the kitchen and never more than a drive away. Why else, you ask? Ice cream is soothing. It makes me feel better, and it doesn't care if I cry during sad movies or laugh really hard at Hannah Montana. Ohh and because ice cream is cooler than boys. ughhh.

Tonight i'm just having one of those 'why am I ALWAYS single?' kind of nights. It's super lame. But i'll probably be fine in the morning. =)

freaking out.

Fanta rating is officially over. Finalists find out if they made it into the top ten 'on or around' August 7th, which is Friday. I know I shouldn't be freaking out so much, but I really want this. this could legit be the first step in making my dreams come true. Regardless of what happens, this contest really has been a great experience for me. It has shown me that I have such an amazing support system and that there are people out there who are rooting for me all the way. I've learned that sometimes people will say the most ridiculous things about you, whether they know you or not. That part doesn't bother me too much, which is kind of surprising. When I got called plus-sized and overweight and annoying...I couldn't help but laugh. I realize that I am not stick-skinny, but I am in no way whatsoever plus-sized. I am not going to fall into the trap of having someone call me fat and then all of the sudden become self-conscious and depressed....that's totally not me. Anyways, this summer God pretty much slapped me in the face and said: "Yo girl, I got this." I'm trying really hard to have faith in that, and I do. I know that it's no use getting all worked up and worried, because it's at the point where there is really nothing that I can do right now. Rating is over. I have 25 points so far because of the average of stars I got. The only thing that is happening at this point is that the judges are going to be watching every video and giving points (up to 75) for a variety of qualities. It's not up to me. It's up to the judges, and it is up to God. If this is the path that He wants me to go down, He is going to put me through to the top ten. I just need to trust that no matter what happens, it is all in His hands. I'm praying that his plans include me winning this contest, but if that's not the case, i'm sure He'll show me another way. I trust Him. I know that He is going to do what's best for me. However, I am still going to be freaking out until we find out who the top ten contestants are. I can't help it...it's human nature. =)