I called, You answered.

I have so many things going through my head right now, and if you read this...you are almost guaranteed to experience my ADHD, but i'll try to focus. =)

Basically, i've been in a strange/cranky/distant mood for the past few weeks. Maybe you've noticed, maybe you haven't...but I totally have. It's like, nothing mattered to me. And everything was making me think in the most bizarre ways. Ways that i've never thought before. But I didn't talk to anybody about it, because that's who I am. I always just tell myself that i'll be fine. Normally, I am. This was different, though. This was something I just couldn't shake off. I felt lonely. I felt worthless. I felt helpless. And I didn't know why. There was no event or feeling or situation that caused any of those feelings. It was like, one day I just woke up and couldn't feel anything anymore. I cried myself to sleep for days because I didn't know what was wrong with me and I didn't know what else to do.

You know how in movies there's always that 'aha' moment? Like, there's this moment in a person's life where they just go, 'oh wow, hey God, I need you' and that is a defining moment in their life? Well, I never thought those moments happened to real people in real life. And then I went to celebration at Malone on Thursday. I went mostly to find answers. I wanted to know what was wrong with me. And I totally had an 'aha' moment. So, i'm at celebration and the entire time Emily, God bless that beautiful girl, is speaking...I know that God was talking to me, specifically. And then we started singing, and Hillsong came on, and i'm singing and crying and sniffling and crying. I thought I could get it together...apparently I was wrong. After it was over everyone was hugging me like, are you okay? Yeah, i'm fine. And then someone asked me twice, and I lost it. I just couldn't hold back anymore. And he hugged me and told me it was okay. Then I went into the chapel and cried by myself for a solid 45 minutes thinking that I was going to have some kind of revelation that would make everything perfect. Not so much.

That night, I got three text messages before I went to bed that seriously made my heart smile.
1-The best is yet to come. always.
2. Being sweetly broken is the best way to be remade by the creator.
3- sleep well, stef. let God romance you.
You may not realize how much that meant to me, but I can't thank you enough for telling me that.

So, after an incredibly emotional couple of weeks, I have thought and searched and prayed so much more than I have in a really long time. And it's made me realize quite a few things.

A. It's okay to question your faith sometimes. -I think that questioning your faith strengthens your relationship with God. We can't just be like, 'oh I believe in God because I just do' or 'because that's what i'm supposed to do' or 'my friends are all doing it' or anything like that. We need to know why we have the faith and beliefs that we have, and asking questions causes us to get answers.

B. I NEED God. -Now, don't get me wrong, I have always needed God. But I just have this new-found longing for Him. Like, I want to be on fire. I want to be passionately in love with Jesus Christ. I want to do great things for Him. I want to change the world for Him. I need His guidance and love and mercy and grace. I need to know that somebody is always going to be there. I just need Jesus.

C. God always answers. -I went to celebration looking for answers, and that is exactly what I got. I was crying for something to heal me. I was calling out to God for something, anything to make me feel like I belong. And He answered. He always answers.

I struggled. I'm still struggling. I'm probably always going to struggle. But i'm fighting, and I think that's what Christianity is all about: fighting for what we believe in. Fighting for Christ. Being a part of God's army.

I know this is a really long blog, but I feel better now that i've shared it with you. So i'm just going to end with lyrics to the song that broke me. Because "being sweetly broken is the best way to be remade by the creator."

Hillsong United - Came to the Rescue

Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek Your face
Lord all I am is is Yours

My whole life
I place in Your hands
God of mercy
Humbled I bow down
In your presence at Your throne


I called You answered
And You came to my rescue and I
I wanna be where You are

In my life be lifted high
In our world be lifted high
In our love be lifted high

weird.

I know that weird is an overly-used term that could mean a billion different things, but I don't know how else to describe my mood lately. It's like, all I ever want to do is just sit in my room and listen to music, and sleep. Oh, and eat ice cream, obviously. I'm not motivated in school or at work. The only time I get excited is when I hang out with my friends. I hate when I get like this. I hate when I don't know what to do. But I get in this mood every year...and it always starts after the first few weeks of school. Once I realize that summer is really over and everyone is busy and I have to be a grownup and it sucks. It's also probably because i'm single. I know that's lame, because i've always been single. It's easy to be single during the summer, though. It's lonely being single. It sucks being single. I freaking hate being in this mood. I'm normally one of the most optimistic, bubbly people in the world. Seriously. I'm almost always in a good mood. I like being happy. Scratch that, I love being happy. Being happy is my thing! And it's not like I haven't been in a good mood...it's just that they only come every now and then, which is weird for me. Being cranky is so lame. So I guess i'm just going to fall asleep listening to Christmas music, because you can't be in a bad mood when you're listening to Christmas songs.

DOES IT EVEN MATTER?

I wrote this a little over a year ago. I overheard some of my little girls talking about wearing makeup and boys thinking they aren't pretty enough and things that 8 year olds should NOT be worrying about. So it just made me think about what we're putting emphasis on in our lives. I feel that we should be more concerned with how we act than what we wear; with our character more than our reputation. I just hope this makes you think about what is really important to you.


Does It Even Matter

Pretty, ugly, skinny, fat.
Awesome shoes, stupid hat.
Expensive purse, ripped up jeans.
Tell me what it really means.
Does it even matter?

Shiny jewelry or hand-me-down clothes.
Hollister, Wal-mart, stores nobody knows.
Cell phones and ipods so fancy and new,
Some people have none while others have two.
Does it even matter?

Why do we care if her hair is straight,
or what he's driving when he picks you up for a date?
When we gossip is it really a big deal?
Do we think of how it will make people feel?
Does it even matter?

We get so caught up in material things,
buying into the hype that media brings.
Take a minute to put your pride on a shelf.
At the end of the day you have to ask yourself,
does it even matter?

pulled a hammy

It hurts so bad. Seriously, I don't think my leg has ever been in this much pain in my whole entire life. I'm not kidding. It hurts to stand, sit, walk, lay down, exist. Yeah, for real. I cried the whole way home. I cried when I had to sit down to pee. I cried when I turned the wrong way and it felt like someone was trying to rip my leg off. It just hurts really ridiculously bad. So I just want to say, to anyone who has ever pulled a hamstring, i'm sorry. I would never wish this upon anybody. Now i'm going to take more medicine and pray that I can find a comfortable position to fall asleep. Ughh this sucks!

But on a positive note, 90210 is baaaack! =)