April 12, 2010 - may your soul rest in love and peace.

You know how sometimes certain events take awhile to actually hit you? It's like they happen, but you don't feel them right away. It doesn't effect you in the way that you think it should, because you haven't processed it yet. You haven't let it sink in. You haven't let your heart believe that it's the truth.

I am 5 feet, 4 inches of pure emotion. (God bless the man who ever decides to fall in love with me.) I feel everything in the most extreme ways. But when my grandma passed away on Monday, I didn't feel it. I said okay. Okay?! Why in the world would you ever respond to "Grandma passed away this afternoon" with a two-syllable word that you say dozens of times a day???!!

Because you don't want to accept it, that's why. Because I had people coming over for a jewelry party. Because I was going to play volleyball. Because I didn't want people to see that I was hurting and tell me that they were sorry. It's not like they killed my great-grandmother. It's not like apologies are going to bring her back. Sorry doesn't make it easy. Sorry doesn't make it okay. Sorry doesn't take away the hurt in my heart. Sorry makes me listen. Sorry punches me in the stomach. Sorry makes me cry.

I know that it's natural for people to say that they are sorry for your loss. Nobody knows what to say to someone who has experienced a death in their family. And nobody who has had a death in their family knows what they want to hear. So instead of telling me you are sorry for something that you didn't do: give me a hug, hang out with me, be my friend, say a prayer for my family, do something! But don't say anything. Because I'm a big ball of emotions, and I don't know how many tears I have left.

This week, hearts have been broken. Tears continue to fall. And angels are celebrating the homecoming of my great-grandmother, Dorothy Brandon. She is loved, she will be missed, and she will always be in our hearts. I know that she is in a better place, I just don't want to talk about it yet.

I love you, Grandma Joe. <3



After 97 years of blessing this earth, you deserve to go home.




peaceandlove<3